seamless

What does it mean to get to know someone? When I started this online dating thing, I realized that it’s really hard to start from scratch. Getting to know someone takes time and patience and willingness to open up and a lot more energy than you’d think.

It’s exhausting to be happy every time you see the new person, and you have to be happy because you’re not comfortable yet—it’s all still a bit mysterious, and neither of you are committed enough to the beginning friendship to let yourselves go a little, show any other emotion. How do you reach that point? How do you gain that trust?

I decided to think back to how I met some of the people who are my closest friends now. It seemed so seamless, so natural to know them better. How is this different?

Maybe I just remember it as such because of our current comfort. I guess I’ve always been a bit awkward and shy at a first introduction.

And yet, I can’t help but think that it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t feel forced. It shouldn’t seem like a huge effort. Are there walls up? Am I being shut out? Am I the one putting up walls? I think the online setting naturally creates walls—walls with little peep holes so that you can see parts of the person and make judgments based on those visible areas; the mystery is gone because you’ve already determined who you think the person to be.

So there are a lot more questions than anything here, and I don’t have the answers. But I think I am already giving up on online dating because I’m just not ready to try so hard. No, relationships are never easy, and neither is commitment, but I don’t see a point in making such an effort at relationships when I’m not even ready to commit to dating (which this whole experience has made a bit more apparent). Maybe there is still a chance of someday meeting someone in the living, breathing world around me who will want to know me and will get to know me. Seamlessly.