"'Oh Jake,' Brett said, 'we could have had such a damned good time
together.'
Ahead was a mounted policeman in khaki directing traffic. He raised his
baton. The car slowed suddenly pressing Brett against me.
'Yes,' I said. 'Isn't it pretty to think so?'"
-The Sun
Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway
Since I first
stumbled on this book in high school, I have made it a point to read it once a
year. I put everything else aside and just read this book. There are many many
poignant moments throughout, but those last few sentences always grip me the
most--isn't it pretty to think of the life we could have had?
I'm starting
to get used to transition in my life. I have now decided to withdraw from my
graduate program and seek employment here in the Seattle area, all the while
searching for a new place to live. Don't get me wrong, it was difficult coming
to this decision, and every once in a while, I think oh gosh, this isn't
right either! Then I remind myself: who am I kidding? I'll
never move forward with anything if I continually wonder on what I've missed
out--the whole resolution in leaving the program is knowing that I came here,
and I tried it; it didn't work out, so at least now I won't have to wonder my
whole life if I missed this grand opportunity.
But it begins
again--the tugging my limbs in every which direction: head East and move
with Katlin; stay West and make it work; go South to Arizona. Knowing
that my...well, I guess I don't have an original plan and/or a back-up plan, so
let's call them Plan North and Plan South...knowing that Plan North didn't
quite work as anticipated leaves so much opportunity for Plan South. Now I have
that same wonder...am I missing out?
There's this
odd balance in my mind. Seattle feels right in terms of community;
this is the place where I can be independent and become my own person. Arizona
feels comfortable, safe; I know the places; I know people--family is a strong
tie, and there is such comfort in that. And yet, I do have family in Seattle,
and there is comfort there too.
Maybe I'm
afraid of the clouds, and I want to run away before they invade. Maybe I'm
afraid of this unfamiliar urban setting. Maybe I'm afraid of...Scratch all of
that. I'm afraid of being alone, and by choosing to stay in Seattle I am making
a definitive decision because if I go to Arizona, I could be just as alone. I'm
afraid of taking big risks.
Moving across
the country once was enough. During the process, I learned how these things
ruin friendships--how distance can wipe out any connection between too people.
I'm afraid of closing that gap because I'm afraid of losing it again. There are
so many ties and implications connecting these thoughts that I'm not even sure
if they make sense any more. Take it as you will, but here it is:
I'm afraid,
that one day, I will find myself in Spain with a close friend where there was
so much opportunity that never happened, and during that brief pause where the
car's tug touches our shirtsleeves, we will look at each other and know, that
damn, we missed out.
Note: Title quote comes
from beginning of The Sun Also Rises. It is a quote by Gertrude Stein.
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