I've been a bit discouraged by "the Seattle experience" so far. I haven't really met anyone new, and people are continuing to tell me that I won't because people here are closed off and set in their ways. How encouraging. I'm also told repeatedly to soak in the sun now because, try as I might, I will get depressed at least by March because it is unavoidable. Yet again, looking forward to it.
So now that I've been thoroughly drenched in warnings of negative adjustments that are in my future, I'm starting to understand the reality of this city, the jokes that people always told. The question now: is it worth it?
Is it worth going through the hassle of changing residency? Is it worth pushing through a program that I'm really starting to doubt? Is it worth dealing with seven undergraduate women for at least a year? Is it worth the cold and the rain and the depression? Is it worth it?
I'm sure praying that the answer is yes.
As much as I love lists, I'm not even sure that a pros/cons list would help me now--anything that I could comment on would be so surface-level anyways, as I can't yet grasp all of Seattle's scenarios right now: it's all still so new to me.
On my run today, I witnessed something that has happened to me before, but I can never understand it. Every time that I go to a new place for an extended period of time, I see people from wherever I lived before. When I moved to Waynesburg, I saw people from Mamont; even in Italy, I thought I saw people from Waynesburg, only tanner and taller and with deep, brown eyes. It always takes me aback. I have to remind myself of where I am and where those people really are--be it Pennsylvania, Arizona, or even Italy. But there's some sort of comfort in just thinking that I saw someone familiar, even someone that I only know in-passing.
Sometimes, I'm tempted to just blurt, "You look familiar!" Then I realize how terribly inappropriate that would be, especially since I can hardly get a smile out of passers-by when I'm running or even just walking to the store. Yet, I can't help but wonder: do I look familiar to them too?
I've been having these very strong, but brief, bouts of questioning if I made the right choice in coming here. Some days, it feels so confirmed: yes! why would I be anywhere else? Other days, I feel like "the road less traveled" is that way for a reason: I'm how far into debt for business school?! Sometimes it's just comforting to know that, at least for the next month or so, I am in the same time-zone as Arizona, and that kind of feels like home; I can hide behind these mountains and no one can see me fall apart or get stronger because they are my cocoon, drenched in Puget Sound's cloud-cover, as I morph and grow into God-knows-what. Hopefully an independent young woman and not some freakish cave monster or something. As long as I still have hope in the world, I'll be just fine.
So today, I've been saved by the passing of familiar but unknown faces on the sidewalk, comforting me with the reminder that this can be home too. And even if they won't smile back, it's okay, because I'm still smiling.
Perhaps you are carrying familiar faces with you; perhaps they look back at you when you run to let you know you're in a different place, but you're still the same girl. Perhaps we carry some of those who love us everywhere because we have a hard time defining ourselves without them. I envy you right now. I do. My life is so made that sometimes I dream about being alone somewhere new...maybe even the rainy Seattle...all alone with new choices to make. Change is never easy, as you so very well know, but seize the day (Seattle) for me.
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