I’ve spent so much
time defining myself through other people—my sister, ex-boyfriends, and most
recently, Derek. After the funeral, Derek’s step-brother whispered to his wife,
“How can you look at Natalie and not see Derek?” I want to know how to look at Natalie
and see Natalie at all.
This segment has been on my mind a lot lately as I’ve been
redefining my life here in Seattle. Particularly, though, it came to mind on
Sunday. I was talking with one of the church deacons about, oh you know, light
stuff like heaven and hell. He said, “When you die, what would you say to God
as to why you should go to heaven?” I said I didn’t know. He told me about how
it’s not by any merit of our own but that Jesus is reflected in our lives—God sees
Jesus in us, and we can say I’m with him.
It’s rather beautiful because were it up to me, I would
never make it. If only I could find a way to actually believe, but I kind of feel like nothing is up to me at this point.
I keep reaching moments, moments driven by emotion, where
all I can think is I could believe right
now! Then I put it into perspective: it’s not endurance; it’s a peak that
won’t last. When I leave church or the park or wherever I am feeling so close
to God, my life will go back to long doubts and endless questioning.
And I can’t help but think of the snake-handlers when I feel
that way, like sure, I could pick up a snake right now, wooohooooo! but in a moment, it will see that I am not all in all
the time, and it will bite.
Mostly, I have some sense that it’s not right or I’m not
ready (we’re back on faith; no more snakes). I’m kind of afraid of
commitment. We talk a lot about the endurance of faith, and I’m still just
trying to endure through my lack of faith in hopes of one day reaching faith.
“…no one can say ‘Jesus is Lord’ except in the Holy Spirit.”
1 Corinthians 12:3
I understand your struggle because I live mostly in the snake-about-to-bite moments, though I long for those rapturous believing moments. And...I still love the passage you share here from your memoir. Bam!
ReplyDeleteThis post is so beautiful and honest. I believe every believers struggle with this even behind their fronts of "I'm so happy and on fire for God all the time, why don't you feel close?" I know I struggled with it. I thought if I didn't have those "rapturous believing moments" (as Jill puts it) then I must not have faith. But now I know that.. faith isn't always based on feelings. It's harder to walk by faith than by feelings. But it goes a long way.
ReplyDelete