I'm slightly certain that I have been so busy and drinking so much that my body hasn't even had time for a hangover, resulting in feeling generally bad at present.
Being home has been an odd dreamland. Dad and I went to load wood yesterday, and somehow, it was different. The trees didn't smell like they used to. The wind blew wood chips into my eyes. As I stood on the tailgate, looking up across Grandpap's land, through the fields, between the trees, up the hill, I saw our house. I imagined it in city blocks: how many tall buildings and crosswalks would it take to get home? Is my bus stop that far?
Everywhere I have gone here seems unreal. We visited Waynesburg, and as I sat in the library, looking over Buhl hall, I wondered if the silent boy beside me was really there, if the people walking on the sidewalks were real, if my surroundings were solid or if they would just disappear in the pinch of crinkled eyelids.
I wonder how Seattle and Pittsburgh could possibly exist simultaneously. Somehow, this reminds me of how Pastor Adam says that our lives our totally our choice but totally god's will at the same time. Certain and uncertain, decided and undecided. Existing but not. Being in Pennsylvania, Seattle has seemed to disappear from my scope of reality.
We drove Katlin and Jake to the airport this morning. As we rounded the bend on 386, the city of Pittsburgh stood tangled between rivers. That's it? That was the big bad city that we scarcely ventured to during my twenty years in the area? A few tall buildings scattered across the landscape like a losing game of chess?
I got curious and looked up the stats. People-wise, Pittsburgh is half the size of Seattle. I'm still shocked. I go through downtown Seattle every day.
Funny how these realizations happen: my life has changed and grown more than I thought.
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