this is puppy life

I hope God loves me more than I love Pickle.

As I walked Pickle down the street tonight, I felt totally worn-out. She’s been a bit of a beast lately. Yes, sweet adorable Pickle. All muscle and all attitude. The chewing, the “accidents,” the pure chaotic energy: this is puppy life.

Regardless of the craziness that is having a 10-month old female pup, I love her. I love her so much that no matter how mad I get at her, no matter how many times I have to clean up her messes, no matter how much she stresses me out, I will still hold her and just plain love her. (She’s eating the lamp as I write this, no joke.)

Sometimes she pulls when we go for walks. It’s usually the first walk of the evening. She’s so excited to leave the apartment and explore all of her favorite smells. Tonight, I just kept thinking how rebellious she is, this little pup. She’ll tug and be disobedient. She’ll chew up all of Laura’s belongings and pee on the floor. She loves to look at me and then do something she knows she’s not supposed to—a big “fuck you” just because she can. She’ll run away from me if I let her go, but at the end of the street, she always looks back and waits for me.

I’ve done a lot of this a lot of my life—to my parents, to God, to my friends, to myself. The running, the dissent, the disobedience, the flat out rebellion. I hope I have looked back enough.

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” –romans7.15

Sometimes, even though I deep down love Pickle, I can really not like her at all. I can look at her and wish she would just go away for a day. Let me alone. For once. Please. Sometimes I feel like the worst pup mum ever.

But I would miss her if she went away for a day. It’s now home because she is there. I miss her when I go to work or Community or anywhere, no matter how she behaved that day.

I’m told that God loves us no matter what. No matter what. Even when we run away. Even when we do not do as we should. That he never wants us to go away but only to seek him. That he never wants us to be alone, without him. That he never hates us for rejecting him, but loves us anyways.

I hope God loves me more than I love Pickle.